'How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk': A Parenting Savior

After a particularly tumultuous day of sibling fighting, parent frustration, a few tantrums, and lots of tears, I decided to call a family meeting.  I invited my daughters and my husband very formally, and we all sat around the kitchen table.  All of us wore serious expressions on our faces.  "We had a bad day, family," I started the meeting, "but that doesn't mean that we need to continue to have bad days. This meeting is a way for us to air out our frustrations and come to some good solutions to what could help ease those frustrations."

I started by listening to everyone air their grievances which ranged from potty language (yes, my four year old, Story, loves to use the word "poop") to bossiness and surrogate parenting (my nine year old, Raina, sometimes believes that it is her place to parent her little sister which enrages both her little sister and her parents).  I wrote down what everyone said, and wrote down workable solutions to each problem.  I repeated what my children said and no idea was deemed wrong or bad. We talked very civilly for almost an hour, and even though Story squirmed a bit by the end of the meeting, she very much enjoyed raising her hand and offering solutions to the problems we discussed.  The best part of the meeting was when my husband and I both looked at Raina and said, "Rain, you have the best job of all in this house.  You get to be a big sister.  You leave the parenting to us."  With tears in her eyes, she looked at all of us and said, "But, how do you be a big sister?" As a family we wrote down what an ideal big sister would be (helpful, fun, loves to play with the little sister, shows the little sister how to do things), and what a not so great big sister is like (bossy, bully, a parent).

After we finished with everything and everyone had a chance to talk, share and offer solutions, we concluded our meeting.  We left the table smiling and hugging, and I felt great knowing that Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish once again provided me with great tools of how to be a better parent and how to help my daughters be better communicators and overall better people.  The classic parenting book "How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk" helps. PERIOD.  I can honestly say that as I was reading the book, I felt better knowing I had new skills to help my children (and myself) stay sane in arguments and conflicts.

I don't care what kind of family you have, there are bound to be conflicts, and personally, I don't always know the best way to solve the conflicts that arise.  When my four year old invades my nine year old's space and ruins her toys, my first thought is "Raina, they are only toys - plastic, cheap ones at that.  Story is the only sister you will ever have and if you had let her play with you in the first place, she wouldn't have ruined the toys."  After reading Faber and Mazlish's sage wisdom, I have better tools to help both Raina and Story deal with their frustrations in this situation.  What do I do differently? I acknowledge the situation (Wow, it sounds like the two of you are really upset with each other.)  I observe and report on what I see (I can see, Raina, that you are frustrated that your sister ruined these toys.  Story, it looks like you are very upset that Raina didn't let you play with her and so you got mad).  Then, I let them know that I have faith that they can come up with a solution to the problem, and I walk away.  That's it.  There is no more yelling at Raina to get over it.  There is no more punishing Story for ruining toys.

Is it perfect?
No.
Parenting isn't perfect just like life isn't perfect.  Some of the skills work sometimes, and some of them don't work right now, but I refuse to give up.  As a parent I get the super power of the permanent do over.

Gone are the days, though, when I make my children feel bad about their feelings (Raina, you will be fine.  You're a big kid now, and there's no need for tears).  Gone are the days when I put my daughters into roles (Story, you are always so wild, you just need to calm down.).  I catch myself almost daily doing things that are just old habits.  Like yesterday as we walked home from school Raina told me that she picked a track and field event for her end of school track meet competition.  "I want to try the softball throw," Raina said with enthusiasm.  I thought of the softball throw from the 2nd grade competition and how far some of the girls were able to throw the ball.  I immediately said, "Honey, are you sure? Don't you remember how amazing some of the girls in your grade are at throwing a softball? Why don't you stick with the jumping event that you did so well in last year?"  As soon as I said it, I recognized that I was taking away her hope and retracted my statement.  One of the best parts of the book was how to encourage autonomy and allow children to make their own choices.  The authors explain, "By trying to protect children from disappointment, we protect them from hoping, striving, dreaming, and sometimes from achieving their dreams." I then said, "So, you're trying a new event this year.  Tell me why you chose the softball throw."

Because I didn't discourage her, as soon as we got home, she went out in the yard and started to practice throwing a softball.  "Mommy, I have some big competition at my school in this event.  I'll need to get good practice in before the meet.  Do you think you could help me?"  I felt so proud of her at that moment.  How cool is it that even though she knows she might not win that she is willing to practice and try as hard as she can?

I don't have all the answers, and even Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish admit that things won't go smoothly all the time, but knowing that I have new tools to help my girls deal with their feelings, be more cooperative, and be more autonomous makes me happy.  I now have new tools as well to praise them, to help them to not get boxed into a "life role" and most of all how to come to solutions with them rather than use punishments that don't work.

"How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk" was first published in 1980, but the lessons and advice still ring true with parents in 2014.  For over 30 years, it seems that "parents everywhere, no matter how different the culture, [are] dealing with similar problems and searching for answers." In their updated section at the back of the book, Faber and Mazlish admit "There are problems that cannot be solved by communication skills alone.  Nevertheless, we believe that within these pages parents will find solid support - strategies that will help them cope with the built-in frustrations of raising children."

Raising children is the most important job in the world, and yet many of us who are parents don't take time to be students of how to do it.  We rely on past experiences, or we just go with whatever emotion of the day overrides our patience or our knowledge that we could be hurting more than helping our children.  We all need advice from time to time, and the skills the Faber and Mazlish set forth in this book are both practical and easy, and best of all their greatest hope is that we raise good people AND keep our sanity.  What's not to love about that?

'Siblings Without Rivalry': Learning how to be harmonious

I've been doing it wrong.

I didn't know how wrong, until I read "Siblings Without Rivalry: How to help your children live together so you can live too" by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.

Most mornings go like this in my house with my 9 year old daughter, Raina and my 4 year old daughter, Story:

Raina - "Story, stop chewing your toast so loud.  It's making me sick."
Story - Pretends like she doesn't hear her sister. Chews even louder in Raina's direction.
Raina - (trying to keep her calm) "Please Story.  I am asking nicely.  The way you chew your toast is really gross, and I would appreciate if you would stop chewing like a cow. You don't want to be a cow do you?"
Story - Chews even louder in Raina's direction.
Raina - (whose face is now red with frustration and anger at her annoying little sister).  "REALLY STORY! Why are you always like this? I asked nicely, and you can't do anything without being mean! Mommy, make Story stop chewing her toast at me!!! (very sarcastically with venom) She's a little white cow in here!!"
Me - "Raina, you chew with your mouth open, too.  Story, Raina asked you to stop.  Can you chew with your mouth closed?"
Story - Chews even louder at both me and Raina.
Raina - "MOMMY!!!!"
Story - "Stop it, Raina!!!"
Raina - (now in tears) "Mommy, make her stop!"
Story - (now screaming at her sister) "I DID STOP, RAINA.  LEAVE ME ALONE!" (pushes Raina)
Raina - "Why are you always so mean to me?"

I could go on with this little morning dialogue, but even writing it makes my blood pressure go up a few ticks.  I love my girls, but they are VERY opposite. Raina loves order and control.  Story loves chaos and passion. Raina loves to be in charge.  Story loves to create havoc.  They love each other, but the amount of time they can actually get along varies from day to day.  Some days, they find harmony for hours by building baby nurseries, or American Girl doll kingdoms.  In the yard, sometimes they can play together without even a peep for whole afternoons as they use the steps for their stage and play mock versions of The Voice.  Then, there are the days that they can't last for even 30 seconds in the same room together even if they are just watching a movie together.  It's a constant poking match between them.  Raina tries to control her sister's every move, and Story's stubbornness makes her rebel against the control.

After a long, harsh winter of too much together time, being outside and airing out is a welcome relief, but the shades of sibling discord still permeate the air in my house.  When I read the SMART MAMA article about the book "Siblings Without Rivalry" I thought it wouldn't hurt to give it a try.  The book offers helpful solutions to create more harmony amongst even the most volatile sibling relationships.

From the chapter on the perils of comparison (I didn't think I compared my girls until I read this chapter), to the chapter about not putting my children into set roles (okay, so maybe the angel and devil costumes two years ago for Halloween were a bit much), from the chapter about what to do about incessant fighting (not blame, not pick sides, not get involved . . . oops),  I learned that many times I chose to handle their fights in a less than constructive manner.  In my defense, I was doing the best I could with what I knew.  I tried to be compassionate.  I tried to listen.  I tried to solve things for them.  I thought I was being a good mom, but now I know how to handle things better.

Maybe my girls won't be best friends growing up like my ideal vision of a happy little family, but as Faber and Mazlish explain what I ideally want is to "equip them with the attitudes and skills they [will] need for all their caring relationships . . . I [don't] want them hung up all their lives on who was right and who was wrong.  I [want] them to be able to move past that kind of thinking and learn how to really listen to each other, how to respect the differences between them, how to find the ways to resolve those differences." I can help them to resolve their conflicts and not make their fights into a contest of who Mommy (or Daddy) loves more.

After finishing the book, the girls were in Raina's room, and Story wanted to play with one of Raina's Monster High Dolls (which creep me out).  Raina's voice was muffled at first and then I heard, "Keep your hands off my stuff you little brat. You break everything." Then, Story screamed and screamed just to annoy her sister even more.  The alarm in my head sounded, and then I thought of the tools in the book.  I walked upstairs gently.  I looked at the girls and said, "Wow, the two of you sound very angry at each other. Raina, you must be very frustrated that Story keeps touching your dolls. Story you must be very frustrated that Raina is making it look so fun to play with these dolls and she doesn't want you to play with her. This is a very hard situation." The both looked at me with watery eyes.  "I have confidence that the two of you can work out a solution that's fair to each of you." And then I calmly walked out of the room.  I waited and heard some more discord, and then silence.

When I went up in 10 minutes to check on them just to make sure they didn't kill each other, the girls were both happily playing in Raina's room. Raina looked at me, "Mommy, guess what? We figured out that Story can play in here with me if she brings her Barbies, and I can play with my Monster High Dolls." I gave them both a hug and told them that I loved that they came up with their own solution.

Parenting is a work in progress, and books like "Siblings Without Rivalry" helps the process be much more harmonious.  I may not have all the answers, but at least now I have a few tools to help me help my girls be more compassionate to each other.

'All Joy and No Fun': An Unflattering Mirror

Do you know how badly lit dressing rooms can make you feel horrible about yourself? You see the dark circles under your eyes, your skin takes on a sickly green pallor because of the fluorescent lighting, and your thighs are way bigger than you remembered? You know that the reflection belongs to you, but somehow you are your worst version of yourself in that dressing room and nothing fits or looks even remotely appealing enough to purchase.  That's what Jennifer Senior's book 'All Joy and No Fun: The Paradox of Modern Parenthood' made me feel like; it focused on the worst reflection of parenthood.

Anyone who is a parent knows the difficulties that come with it.  In the baby stage sleep becomes a luxury.  In the toddler stage, patience isn't just a virtue, but something that you need to continually remind yourself about minute to minute as your 2 year old tests the limits of your sanity.  The elementary school years are an activity puzzle - how do I ever get myself to two or even three places at one time? Parents balance work, couple hood, wellness, meals, exercise, activities, school work, projects, homes, yards, pets . . . it's a never ending cycle of crazy, but the upside of all of this struggle is that we love our kids.  Really, really love them.  They are our gift, our legacy, our present, our future.  It's so worth any ounce of frustration or burden that we feel temporarily in the throws of modern day parenthood.

I didn't get that sense from Senior's highly touted book about the plight of the modern parent.  In the introduction she says, "There's the parenting life of our fantasies, and there's the parenting life of our banal, on-the-ground realities." She delves deep into the heart of the "banal reality" tension spots and pokes those spots until they hurt to figure out what is the effect of parenthood on adults.

I literally got depressed as I read the unflattering portraits of parents who deal with many of the same issues that I deal with:
1) How parenting affects my marriage
2) How parenting affects my "me time"
3) Why do I put my child in activities that cause stress in my nightly schedule and keep all of us in a constant game of GO?
4) How do I keep my temper at bay when I can't seem to accomplish anything because of constant interruptions to the flow of my day?
5) How will I change my parenting once my kids are teenagers?
6) Do my husband and I actually share parenting responsibilities or do most of the responsibilities fall to me?

Senior starts with the premise that parents are no happier than non-parents and in many cases parents are less happy than non-parents, and then she dissects why this is the case.  She studies the history of parenthood and the transformation that occurred somewhere in the 1950s when kids went from being useful to protected.  "Children went from being our employees to our bosses." As sociologist Viviana Zelizer put it, children became "economically worthless but emotionally priceless."

As Senior searches for answers about why parents are so unhappy she misses the key part of the equation until the very end of the book - JOY.  Ask any parent if they hate being a parent, and I can say with some certainty that they will answer with an emphatic, "no!"  Joy and fun do exist in the realm of modern day parents.  We love our kids deeply which is why we drive them to theater rehearsals and Envirothon meetings and swim lessons.  We want them to succeed and have opportunities that we had or excel beyond what we could have ever imagined.  We want them to have choices and to be emotionally prepared for life and for being humane to themselves and others.

Parenthood is about connection, creation, joy, fun, chaos, messy days, clean days, meals, conversations, relationships and so much more than can ever be captured in a book that pokes open the raw spots that every parent deals with but hopefully doesn't dwell on.  If we only thought of the bad parts of life, we'd all go a bit nutty.

Near the end of the book, Senior uses the metaphor of "Raiders of the Lost Ark" when one of the characters asks, "what are we digging for, and what have we found?"In parenthood, we aren't always digging for something.  Sometimes we just need to let it be without all the dissecting of whether or not we are happy in each moment and know that life ebbs and flows more than that.

Is parenting hard? Sure.  Is it worth it? Absolutely.

'Carry On, Warrior - Thoughts on Life Unarmed': The best girlfriend you will ever have

Sometimes in life we find exactly what we need, exactly when we need it.  That's what happened to me when I found 'Carry On, Warrior: Thoughts on Life Unarmed' by Glennon Doyle Melton. I've never read Glennon's wildly popular blog Momastery.com.  Instead, I first encountered Glennon's ideas while searching for TEDTalks about Mental Health and Mental Illness for Stageoflife.com's latest writing contest.  In Glennon's TEDTalk called "Lessons from the Mental Hospital" she shares her truth about how she learned to feel her feelings and then share those thoughts with others when she had a mental breakdown and spent time in a mental hospital.  She explained that she sees her feelings as the guides in our lives and said, "I honor my feelings as my own personal prophets . . . I've learned to be still and receive the gifts." Although her voice quivered while she spoke from nerves and emotional energy, her ideas worth spreading resonated with me.  Oddly, the day before I happened upon Glennon's TEDTalk, I just picked up her book from the library - I liked the title and the bright lettering on the cover (whatever, I know you pick books by the covers and titles, too).  Serendipitous perhaps? I'm not sure.

I do know that since I cracked open Glennon's book which is a collection of her most loved blog posts from Momastery.com and other material not previously printed, I have already recommended Glennon's book to three of my friends.  Before I get into what I took away from the book there are a few things about Glennon you need to know:
1) She had a pretty messed up life before she got pregnant with her first child.  Drugs, alcohol, bulimia, self-loathing, depression . . . she is very upfront about this fact, and explains how those low moments shaped her.
2) She talks a bunch about the role of religion in her life and the presence of God.  For some, this might be a complete turn off or make them squeamish. For others, it might make them like her even more, but just be aware that God talk is VERY present in this book.
3) Glennon makes no excuses for the person she used to be or the person she is now.  She is flawed (for example she doesn't know how to cook - she doesn't even own pans NOR does she clean.  Her vacuum seems like an alien to her, but she taught her daughter to use it as a baby carriage, so her daughter now vacuums the house).

Because I didn't know anything about Glennon other than watching her TEDTalk, I approached her book with an open mind, and it was the first time in awhile that I laughed out loud while reading a book about parenting (right now I'm reading 'All Joy and No Fun' by Jennifer Senior and it is depressing the heck out of me).  When Glennon talked about her trips to Target and the officer telling her girls that they were disturbing the peace, I felt validated for those not so great mom days in grocery stores or retail store check out lines.  We've all been there, but when we see other people going through it, we generally turn the other way or feign superiority.  Why do we do that?

I also wrote things down in my journal about her deep connection with her children.  She doesn't really give advice, but her stories of her own life are so open and honest, that it helps.  One of my favorite chapters was "Don't Carpe Diem" where she explains the two types of time.  Chronos time is regular time. "It's ten excruciating minutes in the Target line time, four screaming minutes in time-out time, two hours until Daddy gets home time.  Chronos is the hard, slow-passing time we parents often live in." The other type of time is Kairos time which is "those magical moments in which time stands still." Like when you really see your children for the beautiful human beings that they are.  You actually see the length of their eyelashes or the curve of their cheeks.  It's the Kairos moments that Glennon tries to hold onto throughout the Chronos days of parenting and living.  "Carpe a couple of Kairoses a day. Good enough for me." I've been calling my awareness to those Kairos moments when Raina and Story hug each other and say, "I love you, baby" just because they felt like it, or how beautiful Story is when she sleeps.

She also offered this tidbit which I wrote down on its own page in my journal: The most important job as a parent is "to teach my children how to deal with being human." I guess I never thought of it like that before, but I am glad that Glennon wrote it, and glad that I'll remember it.  Being human isn't easy, so teaching my children how to deal with life is an important job.

Mostly Glennon's book reminded me to offer myself grace and kindness.  To forgive myself and know that life and parenting are permanent do overs.  If you screw up one moment, the next is a do over.  And that is okay just like not liking vacuuming or having a really bad afternoon with your children is not the end of the world.  My biggest take away lesson is to "embrace being human rather than fight against it." "Carry on, Warrior: Thoughts on Life Unarmed" was exactly what I needed to read at the exact right moment in my life because Glennon's truthful thoughts on her life helped me find truth in my own life.  To me, that's Chronos time well spent - reading a book that validates being messy and being human.